Disappointment, don't let it define you.

Disappointment. A single word that causes people to picture a time in their lives where life just didn't play out the way we thought it would.  I personally have more than a few disappointments in my life, some of which I caused while others were just thrown my way. My father passing, getting kicked out of high school (yea that one was my fault), cheated on by a man during his deployment...honestly, I could go on and on with the moments in my life where disappointment has haunted and burdened me. I have curled up in the corner of my room tears pouring, wondering why this had to happen to me, but then I started dissecting these disappointments seeing the small victories and truths within that horrible word. 

     Let's start with my dad passing. I know what your thinking how could victory come from such a momentous loss. This moment in life is one that I can say the world stood still. I am my fathers daughter, there is so much in me that is just like him, and I thank God for that (Especially my blue eyes...No one else besides my father shares the blue eye trait). From the time I was 12 had a label attached to my name that I always had to explain to people. It went something like this "Hey, my name is Madisen. I am 12 years old, this is my dad he had a botched surgery which caused a liter and half of puss and infection to stem to his heart and his brain. He had a heart attack and stroke, he had only a 30% chance of survival, but he is a fighter. My mom, brother, and I are his care givers." Yea, that was typical conversation from the time I was 12 until his passing when I was 17. I knew how to change an ileostomy bag, before I knew how to drive. I knew what a night shift felt like at 13, waking up multiple times a night to ensure my father was taken care of and that he had his TPN because he needed to be fed every 4 hours. My mother did everything she could to give us a "normal" life, but she could not carry this weight on her own. When my father passed, he was tired...tired of not being able to correctly formulate the words in his brain, tired of feeling like a burden, tired of not being the amazing father and OBGYN we all knew and loved. I remember looking in those big blue eyes and I told him that it was okay, that I loved him, and that he could finally go home. Moments later they called the time of death...I then had a new title the 17 year old whose father passed away. I suppose I decided that since I was the girl whose father died...I should become the girl who went down hill...fast. I started filling my life constantly, trying my very hardest to never be alone...because then I didn't have to deal the gnawing pain that was at my back. I began partying, I hung out with people who just wanted "adventure" and stories to tell. I became lost which incidentally led to me being kicked out of high school. Honestly, in retrospect the reason I got kicked out was a bit of stretch, but even in that disappointment I had victory. I found a program that allowed me to graduate high school, I not only graduated , but I was the class valedictorian. 

I know that last paragraph was a bit long, but you have to know some background to understand I know disappointment. I look back at those moments and I see the work that was happening within me. I now understand disappointment is only a death sentence if you allow it to be. Yes, my father passed away, but I am not just the woman whose father died, I am a woman with compassion and so much love. By taking care of my father I realized that nursing is my calling. My desire to help and console someone (which can be downfall at times) surpasses any amount of dislike I could ever have for a person.  My partying days? They allowed me to learn I am not invincible, and forgiveness is the most wonderful feeling anyone could ever receive. We all have disappointments in our lives, and sometimes it's hard to see how those moments in life could possibly bloom something more beautiful. Disappointment will happen, but we have a choice...allow those moments to define, or use those moments to mold and create a more beautiful strong person. The choice is yours.